


5 Groups Joonmyun Wasn’t Leader of (+1 he wishes he was)

by written_notes



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Avengers - Freeform, Crack, Hogwarts, Les Misérables References, M/M, OT12 (EXO), Rogue One - Freeform, The Hobbit References, it's not easy being leader-nim, just an excuse to place EXO in my favourite AUs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 11:10:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20723258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/written_notes/pseuds/written_notes
Summary: “Please remember that we are meant to set an example for the other students to follow.” Joonmyun said seriously. “It is most unseemly for a Prefect to be found duelling outside of Duelling Club, or going to Hogsmeade on unauthorised days, or selling contraband items to younger students, for Merlin’s sake.”“That was one time, let it go already.” Kris muttered, ignoring the pointed glare Joonmyun shot him.





	5 Groups Joonmyun Wasn’t Leader of (+1 he wishes he was)

**Author's Note:**

> This crack fic was born of my love for EXO OT12 and the realisation that Chanyeol would make a perfect Courfeyrac.

**1\. A Company of Dwarves**

“I can’t believe we’re stuck in here.” Baekhyun grumbled. “Now we’ll never get to the Mountain in time.”

“These bars can only hold us for so long.” Joonmyun vowed.

“Well, we wouldn’t have been imprisoned if you would just learn to control your temper.” Minseok shook his head wearily. “Insulting King Kris in his own castle, _right after_ we’d been captured by his guards, was probably not the wisest choice.”

“Curse these Elves!” Joonmyun shook his fist.

“To make matters worse, we’ve lost our Burglar.” Jongdae sighed. “Poor Kyungsoo. I hope the spiders were quick, at least.” The thought of the little hobbit being tortured by the evil spiders in Mirkwood was too horrible to contemplate.

Jongin couldn’t help but let out a sniffle, which he attempted to turn into a dwarvish cough. He glanced over at his brother’s cell and rolled his eyes as he saw Sehun saying some nonsense about a stone to the admittedly beautiful Elf standing just outside.

“What do you think you’re doing, idiot?” He snorted after the Elf had flounced off upstairs.

“His name is Luhan, and he’s…wonderful.” Sehun breathed. It was lucky their uncle couldn’t see his starry-eyed gaze, or he’d likely have a lecture on the evils of Wood-elves.

Jongin’s sharp retort was lost in his throat when a familiar short figure appeared outside his cell.

“Let’s get you out of here.” Kyungsoo said seriously and began trying out the ring of keys he had apparently pilfered.

“Kyungsoo-yah!” Jongin gaped, a mixed expression of shock and happiness on his face. “You’re alive!”

“What? Kyungsoo’s here?” A few voices rang out from the cells above.

“Yes, I’m here. Now keep quiet, do you want those Elves to come running here?” He huffed, but Jongin could see the corner of his lips twitch slightly.

It took some stealth and an unbelievable amount of luck, but Kyungsoo managed to lead them down to the cellar where they found enough barrels to hide in. He managed to fumble his way into the last barrel quickly before the trapdoor closed, and felt his stomach fly up to his mouth as he dropped down into the cold water and drifted along with the current.

_[“King Kris will be furious when he finds out.” Yixing remarked later that night as he saw the barrels being swept along the waters._

_“Shouldn’t we report it then?” Zitao asked in confusion._

_“Let’s follow them.” Luhan decided, and leapt along the rocky banks, leaving the other two no choice but to follow.]_

And so it came to be that the boatman from Lake-town in charge of receiving the load from the Wood-elves gathered the barrels a day later, and wondered why they were so heavy. Perhaps there were things to be salvaged?

To his shock, a bunch of wet little people came crawling out of the barrels, looking rather worse for wear.

“I am never going to eat another apple again!” Baekhyun swore as he attempted to wring his bedraggled clothes dryer. “My barrel was half full of apples and the _smell_-” He suddenly stopped complaining and gaped at the tall, handsome stranger staring back at them.

“How did you come to be here, and what is your business?” The man demanded quickly, and none of them missed the bow and arrows on his person, although he hadn’t drawn them.

Joonmyun stood forward. “I am Joonmyun of the Blue Mountains. We are merely a group of dwarves making our way towards the Lonely Mountain, and our business is our own.”

“…Fair enough.” He shrugged, as if aware that he wasn’t going to get more out of them. “I am Chanyeol, of Lake-town. And seeing as how you’re not from around these parts, I think I should warn you that there happens to be a dragon under that mountain. You might want to reconsider your destination.”

**2\. A Paris Rebellion**

“Sehun, what’s wrong with you today?” Chanyeol asked, looking at his good friend’s dazed face with mild concern. “You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.”

Indeed, Sehun hadn’t been paying attention to the topic at hand which Joonmyun had been fervently expounding on. To be fair, Joonmyun was always expounding on _some_ issue, and even his closest comrades Chanyeol and Kyungsoo had been known to tune him out on occasion.

Jongdae, who always looked like he wasn’t paying attention anyway, grinned and sauntered over with a bottle of wine. “Here. Have some wine and say what’s going on.”

Sehun blinked and paused for a few seconds before taking the proffered glass. “Thanks.” He muttered and gulped it down. “He was practically like a ghost. He was standing just there, and moments later he was gone!”

“Ooh, this sounds promising.” Jongdae’s grin grew wider, and he beckoned Baekhyun over.

The poet sat down comfortably next to them, not noticing as Chanyeol tensed slightly. “What’s going on?” He asked curiously.

“Sehun’s in love.” Jongdae drawled.

“Really?” Baekhyun visibly brightened and clasped the younger man’s hands with his own. “Tell us more. This is the lifeblood of poetry, after all.”

Chanyeol was doing his best to listen to Sehun’s story about bumping into this beautiful young man on the streets who had been giving food to the poor (a saint!), but couldn’t help but be distracted by Baekhyun’s delicate hands.

Jongdae laughed loudly, a sharp sound that pierced through even the fervour of Joonmyun’s rant on inequity. Their leader looked over in annoyance at this interruption. “I’m sorry.” Jongdae said, looking anything but. “You speak of revolution and battles to be won, yet the illustrious Oh Sehun is bemoaning the loss of his first love. It’s better than an opera!” He raised a brow mockingly, as if to say, _do you really hope to overthrow the government with such men?_

Joonmyun frowned and came over to their table, his expression changing to one of disappointment. Chanyeol noticed Jongdae’s mirth dimming slightly, and wondered absently when their resident cynic would learn to just keep his mouth shut, instead of sabotaging himself in front of their leader at every opportunity.

“It is time for us all to decide who we are.” Joonmyun began seriously. “We must decide why we are here, and what it is that we’re fighting for. This isn’t some club for rich young boys to come and share their woes and play at revolution.”

Sehun clenched his fists. “If you’d been there then perhaps you’d know how it felt – to be struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight. He…he has changed my world in just one burst of light.” Baekhyun looked impressed with Sehun’s sudden poetry. Jongdae unsuccessfully tried to smother a laugh, to which Sehun made a face reminiscent of a kicked puppy. “Surely you can imagine it! I feel like my soul is on fire, and my entire world is black without him.”

Jongdae’s gaze involuntarily shifted towards Joonmyun’s marble face, a movement which did not go unnoticed by Chanyeol and Baekhyun. “I’m no stranger to despair.” He smiled humourlessly and took another drink from his bottle.

“Now is not the time for childishness. Who cares about your lonely soul?” Joonmyun said bluntly to Sehun, although it was Jongdae who winced. “None of this matters when we consider the state of the country we are living in! Look around you at the poverty, the attitudes of the elitist snobs towards the oppressed, all who go hungry and unclothed! We have the privilege – no, the duty to fight for them! Our little lives don’t count at all!”

**3\. Rogue One**

The silence on board was deafening. Joonmyun kept his eyes on the controls in front of him, refusing to look at the rest of the passengers. It was one thing when he and the son of the scientist behind the Death Star had a mutual distrust of one another. It was quite another to feel as if there was a hole being burned into the back of his head from the force of the other’s glare after having saved his life.

“Our course to Yavin Four is set, Captain.” KA-1 intoned, and that was enough to set everything off.

“You lied to me.” Jongdae seethed. Further back in the ship, they could hear Tao sigh, his blind eyes closed.

Joonmyun sighed. “Look, you’re in shock. You just had a traumatic experience, and-”

“You lied about the reason for coming here. You were never going to bring my father back alive!” Jongdae’s fists were clenched, and he looked like he was barely holding himself back from punching the Rebel captain.

“Well, I had every chance to pull the trigger, but did I?” Joonmyun retorted.

“My father worked for years to give us a way to defeat the Empire, and you put him at risk!”

“I had orders! Orders which I blatantly disobeyed!” Joonmyun yelled back, filled with the irrepressible need to lash out at this ignorant and presumptive man. “Not that I expect someone like you to understand-”

“If you only know how to obey orders from above even if they’re wrong, then you’re no better than an Imperial Storm Trooper.” Jongdae scoffed, and it was only the stark misery in his eyes from the loss he’d just faced that stopped Joonmyun from slamming him against the wall.

“What do you know? You, who suddenly decided that now the Rebellion is real for you and worth your time because it meant something to your father. We don’t all have the luxury of deciding when we want to care about something!” Joonmyun took a step closer to Jongdae. “I have been in this fight since I was six years old. The Rebellion is my life. Don’t assume you’re the only one who lost everything dear to him in this world.”

He stalked back to the pilot seat, refusing to admit that there was a sliver of truth in Jongdae’s hurtful words. The trip back to Yavin Four was uncomfortable and uneventful, with silence only broken by KA-1 talking to Joonmyun about technical issues, and Luhan trying to converse with the stoic Kris, whose replies were mainly monosyllabic.

The next time they all saw each other again was after the Council’s discussion about the information from Jongdae’s father, with the disappointing decision to sit tight and do nothing. Jongdae could tell that a few members of the council, such as Mon Mothma and Prince Byun of Alderaan might have believed him, but wouldn’t go ahead without a larger majority.

“You don’t look happy.” Kris observed.

“They didn’t believe me. They would rather surrender than take a chance to destroy the Empire’s biggest weapon.” Jongdae grimaced.

“But you want to fight. As do we all.” Tao smiled slightly, gesturing to include Luhan and Kris. “The Force is strong with us.”

“I’m not sure the four of us are enough.” Jongdae laughed bitterly. “Although some say rebellions are built on hope.” He repeated the tripe sentiment he’d heard from the captain on Jedha.

“They are.” He looked up in surprise to see Joonmyun with a sizable group of fighters. “I believe you. All of us have been fighting for the Rebellion for as long as we can remember. And every time I did something that I’m not proud of-” He paused slightly, and Jongdae knew what he was referring to, “I told myself it was for a cause that was worth it. And now that we have the chance to strike the Empire where it hurts – well, I can’t just sit back and do nothing.”

“It’ll be a tight fit, Captain.” Luhan grinned. “Let’s gear up.” Tao whooped and Kris rolled his eyes.

Jongdae stared at Joonmyun while the rest left to grab their gear, unable to believe that this was actually happening. “I’m not used to people sticking around when things go bad.” He admitted in reply to the unspoken question in Joonmyun’s raised brow.

Then Joonmyun smiled, and it momentarily transformed his face from its usual hardened expression to something that made Jongdae’s heart stutter. “Welcome home.”

**4\. The Avengers**

They looked at the footage of Tao in the steel chamber, giggling to himself even after the Director had walked away. Kyungsoo grimaced. “I don’t think we should go near that guy. He’s as mad as a hatter.”

“Hey, I understood that reference!” Joonmyun beamed for a moment, before his smile dropped when he noted Kris’ expression.

“Congrats, Gramps.” Chanyeol applauded Joonmyun dryly. “Looks like all that time under the ice didn’t rob Captain Korea of his pop culture knowledge.”

“Watch how you speak, inferior mortal.” Kris frowned slightly at Kyungsoo. “Tao may be a traitor, but he is of Asgard.”

“He killed eighty people in two days and took several more captive.” Luhan levelled him with a pointed look as Tao’s manic laughter continued. “Including Sehun.” He added quietly.

Kris shrugged. “You may have a point.”

Joonmyun rolled his eyes. “We need to find out what his plans are with the Tesseract and stop it before it’s too late.”

“Well, seeing as no one else did the homework except myself,” Chanyeol declared while strolling about the platform, “why don’t you leave it to me and Dr Do to figure it out while the rest of you run along and play.” He strode over to Kyungsoo, who stared at him with wide eyes. “I’m a fan of your work, Dr Do. And an even bigger fan of how you turn into an enormous green rage monster.”

“…Thanks.” Kyungsoo attempted to smile, but it was hard to do when he was trying not to growl.

In the end, none of them turned out to be fans of Kyungsoo when he eventually transformed into the Hulk after a brainwashed Sehun had successfully blown up one of the helicarrier’s engines, least of all Kris, who had spent the bulk of the time fighting against the green monstrosity. Kris really had had the worst of it, eventually getting trapped in that steel chamber by Tao, and watching his brother impale Agent Xiumin before sending him plummeting to the ground.

All Joonmyun could do later was stare at those blood-stained Captain Korea trading cards flung on the table by the Director, while Chanyeol was sullenly looking off into space. The death of Agent Xiumin had hit them all personally. The only positive outcome of the attack had been retrieving Sehun with his mind intact but his heart full of self-recrimination and revenge.

That, and spurring Chanyeol and Joonmyun to work together to figure out Tao’s plan at Park Tower. “Time to suit up,” Joonmyun informed Luhan and Sehun.

Agent Jongdae watched from his optimal vantage point in the helicarrier as the red-and-gold iron figure sped off, followed by a jet. “Sir, those cards were in Xiumin’s locker. Not his jacket.”

The Director turned away. “I want our communications back up, and eyes on everybody.”

“Yes sir.” Jongdae nodded, and by the time they managed to get visuals, they saw the team of Avengers standing in a circle amidst wreckage.

“Alright, until we can close that portal, our priority is containment.” Joonmyun directed. “Sehun, I want you up on that roof and call out patterns and strays. Chanyeol, you make sure no one gets out of the three block radius we’ve set up. Kris, try and bottleneck the portal – make good use of that lightning. Luhan and I will stay on the ground. And Kyungsoo?”

The Hulk turned to look at Captain Korea with a vicious smile.

“Smash.”

**5\. Hogwarts’ Prefect Board**

“And here are the patrol rosters for the first three months.” Joonmyun concluded, passing them around to the prefects before standing back and adjusting his blue and bronze tie.

“Please let us know if there are any issues-” Seohyun started to say when she was interrupted by a polite hand in the air.

“I can’t do Tuesday nights, we have Quidditch practice.” Minseok said, lowering his arm.

Joonmyun frowned. “No, that can’t be right. We were told that the Gryffindor team has booked Tuesday nights.” Seohyun nodded.

Minseok frowned even deeper than Joonmyun. “No, Hufflepuff definitely has the pitch on Tuesday evenings. I booked it in advance and informed Coach Choi.”

“Well, then I suppose you can take it up with Lu Han later.” Joonmyun attempted to regain control of the situation, although he took a tiny step backwards after seeing the Hufflepuff Captain’s bicep flex dangerously. He envisioned a potentially nasty fight between the two Quidditch Captains, although if it came down to an arm-wrestling match, no one could best Hufflepuff’s Beater.

“We would just like to run through some rules.” Seohyun continued smoothly. “In your handbooks you will find a guide to point deduction and detention assignments. While we understand that some of you may wish to give the younger students a healthy sense of respect for the rules, please do not threaten them with outlandish detentions, such as trips to the Forbidden Forest. The Headmaster has already clearly stated in his welcome speech that the Forbidden Forest is off limits, given what happened last year.”

Joonmyun repressed a shudder when he thought of how his fellow Ravenclaw year-mate Yixing had gone looking for unicorns in the Forest, unwittingly followed by a couple of intrepid third-year students he’d been tutoring in Care of Magical Creatures. Kim Jongin and Oh Sehun had subsequently managed to escape giant spiders, centaurs and Merlin knows what else, before stupidly eating some unidentified mushrooms which landed them in the Hospital Wing for a week. Maybe Yixing should have been tutoring them in Herbology instead.

“Please remember that we are meant to set an example for the other students to follow.” Joonmyun said seriously. “It is most unseemly for a Prefect to be found duelling outside of Duelling Club, or going to Hogsmeade on unauthorised days, or selling contraband items to younger students, for Merlin’s sake.”

“That was _one time_, let it go already.” Kris muttered, ignoring the pointed glare Joonmyun shot him. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t say no when Zitao had looked at him with those puppy eyes and begged for the Dungbomb to get out of boring History of Magic.

The Head Girl cleared her throat. “Our Caretaker Mr Park has updated his List of Forbidden Items for us to note, which now includes Fanged Frisbees and Screaming Yo-yos. He requests that Prefects be on the lookout for these objects and confiscate them.”

“And by confiscate, we do not mean ‘keep for your own use’, nor ‘pass to your friends to use’.” Joonmyun glanced at Kyungsoo, who blinked back at him with wide, guileless eyes.

Joonmyun had no idea what the Headmaster was thinking when he appointed the fifth-year Slytherin to be a prefect. Everyone knew Do Kyungsoo was chummy with the Terrible Trio – Park Chanyeol from Gryffindor, Kim Jongdae from Hufflepuff and Byun Baekhyun from Joonmyun’s own House – who were responsible for more than half of all the pranks within the castle. He’d actually be more impressed by their inter-house unity if it wasn’t always causing him grief. Perhaps the Headmaster hoped Kyungsoo would be a good influence on the others.

Even as that thought entered his head, he had to struggle not to roll his eyes. Why, the odds of those troublemakers becoming respectable, well-behaved students were as low as- as the odds of catching Head Boy Joonmyun snogging someone in a broom closet. Utterly preposterous.

**(+1. A 12-member boyband)**

His alarm rang shrilly, and Joonmyun nearly chucked his phone across the room. Dragging himself out of bed, he chucked a pillow at a still-sleeping Sehun before making his way to the bathroom, narrowly avoiding the pile of dirty clothes on the floor, telling himself for the umpteenth time that he really needed to clean his room.

By the time he’d washed up and returned, their maknae was still snoring, and was hugging Joonmyun’s pillow. “Wake up, Sehun-ah! We’re going to be late.”

“Why do I always have to get up first just because I share a room with you?” Sehun grumbled, but began the long and arduous process of getting out of bed.

“Because you slept the earliest last night.” Joonmyun retorted severely. “Kyungsoo came back late from his drama filming, Baekhyun from his OST recording, and Chanyeol from his variety show filming.”

“I bet Jonginnie doesn’t have to suffer like this.” Sehun yawned and left the room.

“I bet Kris doesn’t have to suffer like this.” Joonmyun parroted, as he dialled Jongin’s number, knowing that the ringtone would wake their main dancer up since he was always sleeping with his phone right next to his face. After hearing a yelp from the room further up, he smiled in satisfaction and hung up the phone.

He then picked up their landline and pressed speed-dial 1. The phone was answered after about 5 rings. “Hello?”

“Ah, Minseok-hyung. Is everyone up already?”

“Uh, Kris is still trying to wake Tao up. Think he stayed up late to practice his new martial arts routine for our next concert. Luhan’s in the bathroom and Yixing… has fallen asleep in his cereal.” Joonmyun heard a sigh over the phone. “We’ll see you downstairs in half an hour.”

Miraculously, they managed to make it down in time for the two waiting cars in the lobby to pick them up, although Chanyeol was still munching on a sandwich as they bundled into the cars.

“I think we should do Red Velvet’s Red Flavour for SMTown, it’s more upbeat.” Baekhyun was suggesting.

“Yeah but the dance is kind of tiring.” Luhan pointed out. “The fans only care that you guys are cross dressing, not your girl group dance skills.”

“Speak for yourself, I’m a dancing machine.” Jongdae grinned. “And what do you mean, ‘you guys’? You’re doing it too.”

“No, I’m not!” Luhan protested. “I’m a manly man! I would look ridiculous in a dress.”

“Ge, have you forgotten that episode of Showtime Season 2?” Zitao giggled. “You looked so pretty in the SNSD outfit, dancing to your favourite song.” Jongdae’s grin grew even wider and he nodded in recollection, high-fiving Zitao and earning an undignified splutter from Luhan.

Kyungsoo tapped Joonmyun on the shoulder. “Hyung, do you know what the concept is for today’s music video? Jonginnie’s asking.” His phone was on speaker mode.

Joonmyun turned around slowly and gave him a weird look. “We aren’t filming the music video today.”

“_What? We aren’t?_” A chorus of confused voices echoed both from the phone and in their car.

“Did none of you read my text message two days ago?” Joonmyun threw his hands up in exasperation. His messages were important and yet they always got lost amidst the stupid texts the other eleven members spammed the group chat with. And emojis. And cat videos. And stupid sparkly stickers that Jongin liked to send.

“You said they pushed back the schedule or something.” Kris’ voice sounded tinny over the speaker phone, and yet unmistakeably bored.

Then they realised that the cars had stopped, and they were being hustled out of the vehicles by their harried manager towards what looked like a football stadium’s locker room, and given matching sweatshirts. “I hate variety shows.” Kyungsoo announced to no one in particular.

“Um, guys?” They turned to see Yixing staring at a pile of very familiar looking large name-tags.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Chanyeol groaned, still half-asleep.

Baekhyun patted Chanyeol on the back in resignation, while Minseok began doing some desperate last-minute stretches. “At least we’ll get a lot of exercise out of it, right?”

“This really isn’t my style.” Kris sighed, as they were hustled out of the locker room and to where the filming crew and their hosts were waiting on the field.

Yoo Jaesuk’s unmistakeable voice could be heard from afar. “Let’s welcome our guests to Running Man!”

The 12 young men entered the field amidst whoops from the hosts and crew, with blinding smiles and countless handshakes.

“We are One! Hello, we are EXO!”

**Author's Note:**

> All kudos, comments and concrit is greatly appreciated!


End file.
